Oh, Tonyushka .

That's the most dramatic reading I had for times.
especially because you know the end (is it the end?) while reading.

At first I had nothing to say, just painful and helpless feeling of
wrongness. I even smoked tobacco a bit (what I still do quite rarely). But
after your PS with analysis of probable reasons (like in perfect French film
- sorry if this comparison is misplaced here but I hope you grasp the sense
I meant) I turned to thinking.
To what approximate conclusions I came knowing the situation from the
distance i.e. via your correspondence (which could be really high-rated as
literature in abstraction - but it's a different talk) I've got a feeling of
another reason (along with many other mentioned). Is it surprise for you to
hear about your powerful personality that tends to re-organize surrounded
reality? That you could be exhausting (mostly self-exhausting) in your
aspiration of perfection. My experience tells me that creative person (in a
highest sense - in common sense it's just called EGO) needs a space around
him which is free from another creative person. For harmony creator needs a
perceiver. (In Malcolm you've got an ideal partner in that sense - seems he
has fantastic capacity of avoiding ego and trusts you highly - that's it)
Usually in relations (especially among two men) you need exchanging of roles
based on true mutual interest. No sex can replace this low. (We had many
hard situations about it with Medya until elaborated several tools to work
it out). I have a suspicion that you nearly broke Mr.Bus's personality (as
well he let himself to be broken), his normal ambitions of man who created
himself as he could from his background (call it social reason). Metal rings
is nothing as comparable with advise to grow beard for leaving the job -
sounds really perfect as a story but imagine what it means for person who
used to have a job as meaning of life! (He several times slightly showed his
strict preferences of having job instead of changing his mind concerning
question of drugs). I do believe he really wanted to follow you but felt
weak to change his mind so radically and that's why frustrated.trying
unconsciously to stop the pain with bigger pain. Is "Every man destroys the
thing he loves" about it?
Another thing he really could be offended with your "incommunicado" sentence
as you could be frightened with memories of it with Paul. You both were
struggling with shadows of your own fears projecting it to each other. It's
happens VERY often, especially when people in passion (that makes them
really blind in certain sense - unaware to their own shadows)
That's everything is too sad. The only solution I see is in constant trying
to break the ice of misunderstanding and success is inevitable if the
feelings (or will - if your prefer - conducting by interest) are true - they
just can't stop working in this direction.

Probably that's all by now. Do you want me to write Mr. LoveBus with the
same letter? My e-mail he haven't bloked yet.

PS. What about literature - somebody said that literature begins when you
start to speak about yourself in third face (as about "him" - Medya
practices it intuitively in hard situations). That's happens with you when
you placed your most private and passionate mails on public - reflection
creates the distance and helps to overcome feelings. This capacity is your
luck or calls it simply talent. At least I can say I was shocked as from the
good literature (the same in case with your sincere pictures, not the ones
came from mind). Something tells me this story might be continued.

Many hugs to very rare kind of Wolf and his true friend Malc!

TYOM